Book Banning Turns to Dick and Jane

Breaking News: Dateline February 4, 2022 - Parents in Dimwitty, Alabama have asked the Dimwitty Board of Education to ban the children's primer Fun with Dick and Jane from the school curriculum. The parent's group Dimwitty's Unified Mighty Mighty Book Banners (DUMMBB) have complained that several passages in the primer are concerning and may lead children to be confused about proper American values. As DUMMBB spokesperson Ignatius (Iggie) Norent put it, "Just what kind of "fun" are that nasty Dick and Jane up to anyway?"

Interviewed at the Board meeting parent Stuart (Stu) Pidity, complained about what he called a clearly scatological passage featuring Spot, the family dog. "Right here on this page, Dick yells 'Go, Spot, Go.' A clear reference to defecation. I don't want my children learning to command their pets to soil our spotless neighborhood yards. This book has to, if you'll pardon the expression, go!"

Parent Mrs. I.M. Bessell. approached the microphone brandishing a copy of her child's primer high in indignation. "This book is promoting non-traditional family values that have no place in our fair town of Dimwitty." Asked to explain, Mrs. Bessell turned to a page where Jane is seen holding her pet cat Puff. Jane says "Where is Sally? I want to find Sally?" 

"I think everyone in here knows what this scurrilous author is pointing to here. A girl with a pet cat is looking desperately for her "girlfriend" Sally. It is just another example of these liberal authors foisting their lifestyle choices on our innocent children!"

The town councilman, Republican S. Low Whitted, up for reelection in the fall term, had an additional concern. Addressing the Board he said it is important that no subliminal political messages be contained in the reading material for the children. "I see here on this page," intoned Whitted, "the children yell at the boy, 'Run, Dick, Run.' This is clearly an attempt by the teachers to get the children to favor my opponent and the entire Democratic ticket. It cannot be permitted." Councilman Whitted's purported Democratic opponent Richard Wright was not available for comment.

Finally, Mr. Beauregard (Biggy) Ott stood up brandishing a copy of a companion volume to Fun with Dick and Jane called Fun with Friends. "Here we have the final straw. In this book we are introduced to Mike and his twin sisters, Pam and Penny. These children are, I don't know how else to say it, 'not of our race.' Now we can't have our children learning that they can have friends who don't look like them. That would upset everything we have stood for in Dimwitty since we fought our great war for independence in the 1860s. Besides it stretches credulity to think that any of our local real estate agents would let a Black family buy a house in Dimwitty. I say we must ban this book to uphold all we hold dear as 'Mercans."

The Board promised to take the matter under advisement. Board member Ludwig (Ludi) Kress said he thought the whole idea of teaching kids to read was problematic. "You know," he said, "reading just gives these kids ideas."