Thursday, February 13, 2014

Pearson Announces the Education Reformer Starter Kit

Pearson International, bullish on the profit potential of the education reform movement, has decided to branch out beyond the development of Common Core aligned tests and curriculum materials and is now offering The Education Reformer Starter Kit, designed for those venture capitalists, Wall Street Financial Analysts, and former sports stars who wish to get into the lucrative business of privatizing public education.

Pearson spokesperson, Phillip (Flip) Emoff, said the starter kit is custom made for the aspiring entrepreneur looking for new opportunities to tap into public funds for personal profit. "The public coffers may be the last frontier for big business," said Emoff, "and our starter kit will provide all the young Ivy League grad will need to tap into that market."

The Education Reformer Starter Kit will contain the following:
  • The All Occasion Reformy Phrase Book - Contains all purpose phrases designed to resonate with politicians and journalists and deflect real questions from parents and teachers. Some of the phrases include: We're in it for the kids; Work Hard, Be Nice; No Excuses; Poverty is not destiny; Zip Codes should not determine opportunity; unions protect bad teachers; and many more.
  • A completed application, ready for signature, for a grant from The Gates Foundation
  • A letter of recommendation from Jeb Bush and Educators for Excellence
  • A lifetime membership in Chiefs for Change
  • A Teaching Certificate approved by the United States Senate
  • A Common Core Decoder Ring
  • A DVD of David Coleman's close readings of iconic American texts
  • A framed 8 by 10 glossy of Michelle Rhee suitable for hanging
  • A "Get Out of School Free Card" (for use after 2 years)
  • An Arne Duncan Action Figure
  • A gift certificate for dance lessons with Mike Petrilli
  • A "Teach Like a Champion" lapel pin
  • An all purpose PARCC Standardized Test with gold plated number 2 pencil
  • A Charter School co-location divining rod
  • A "No Excuses" coffee mug
  • A Diane Ravitch voodoo doll
Spokesperson Emoff said the kit will be in stores this spring at a list price of $99.99. Expect discounted prices at Walmart.

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