Sunday, June 18, 2017

Military Vouchers: Choice Comes to Our Defense

Inspired by Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, and her school choice agenda, Secretary of Defense James "Mad Dog" Mattis has declared that we are doing away with our traditional army, navy and air force in favor of giving each and every American family a 10,000 dollar military voucher that they can use to shop for the military protection they need. "Look", said Mattis, "it is obvious that the American military has failed. International assessments show us to be lagging behind others in military preparedness. Russia is rubbing our nose in it all over the place and that little twit in North Korea is a real danger that we have no idea how to deal with. And, by the way, when was the last time we won a war? What we need is good old-fashioned American competition in the form of military choice."

According to Mattis, military choice vouchers will allow families to purchase the kind of armed military protection they want. Some people may choose to "home-defend", using the money to arm the wife and children and build bunkers and bomb shelters. Others may avail themselves of special charter military institutions who will compete for dollars and, therefore, provide the kind of quality protection people want.

Some of those charter military organizations are already in the organizing stage.

Second Amendment Military Charter - Members of the NRA and second amendment enthusiasts in general may be interested in this charter which is based on the good old-fashioned concept of a local militia. The group's motto is "An AK-47 in every closet, a missile launcher in every attic, and a tank in every garage."

Hessian Mercenary Military Charter - This charter is sure to attract those who like a little nostalgia with their defense plan. If you prefer muskets to nuclear weapons, this may be the charter for you. Comes with authentic Hessian Revolutionary War uniform with a "Battle of Trenton" insignia.

KIPP Military Academy - Modeled after the much admired KIPP Charter Schools, this defense protection charter group promises to help you turn your family into a compliant, fighting machine who will follow orders without thinking or questioning your decisions - a key to battlefield success.

Teddy Roosevelt San Juan Hill Rough Riders Charter - The focus of this charter is the quick mobility that is provided by a cavalry. For your 10,000 dollars you get a horse, a saddle and a Teddy Roosevelt paste-on mustache. Special "Bully" T-Shirt for the first 200 who sign up.

Donald Trump Nuclear Option Military Charter - As an introductory offer, this protection package comes with two red buttons, one for blowing up Mexico and one for ordering a Coke. Have fun with the kids by playing, Button, Button, Whose Got the Button?

Cyber Military Charter - The advantage of this new military charter is that you never have to leave your home or interact with another human being while protecting your family from any and all intrusions. Comes with a fully loaded military-style computer for remotely detonating land mines on your property and software to help you block the Russians from hacking your Facebook page.

Onward Christian Soldiers Military Charter - This charter will target families with a religious right orientation. The package includes a special video training package called "Identifying the Infidel" and provides unlimited military cover for those picketing planned parenthood clinics and schools that teach evolution.

Blackwater Military Charter - Keeping it all in the Trump family, Betsy DeVos' brother, Erik Prince, is re-purposing his Blackwater Worldwide Iraq mercenary operation for us here at home. Prince, whose company billed the US government 1 billion dollars for his company's services overseas, said, "Getting ever richer off public dollars is the best business plan I can possibly imagine." No word yet if sister Betsy is investing in this company.

When asked if he thought all people were prepared to make good choices when it came to their own defense, Mattis said, "What is really important is that all Americans have a choice, not that they make good choices. People who make poor choices will likely soon be eliminated anyway, so over time fewer and fewer poor choices will be made. We need to give choice a chance to play itself out."

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