The Devil's Dictionary of Education Reform

As a teenager one of my favorite books was The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. His satirical definitions of words struck at the heart of hypocrisy in the early 20th century. For example Bierce defined absurdity as a "statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion." The humor struck a chord in my snarky teenage brain. Now as a snarky senior citizen,  I borrow from Bierce to present The Devil's Dictionary of Education Reform. 

A month ago I set out to write 30 twitter size sound bites capturing the hypocrisy of the corporate education reform movement. Here is a compilation. If you have some defintions to add to the collection please send them along to me.

21st Century Skills - a broad range of abilities, enumerated in the Common Core , that 21st century children need to thrive in the 20th century.

accountability - holding the 99%, especially teachers, students and administrators, responsible for the damage done by the 1%.

achievement gap - symptom of income inequality and segregation treated by education reformers by testing children and punishing teachers and public schools.

blended learning - a unique blend of educational experiences that combines inferior online learning with inadequate classroom instruction. 

Broad Superintendent's Academy - a place where people who are totally ignorant about education go to have their ignorance reinforced.

choice - allows parents to choose a school by "voting with their feet" as long as their children's feet are not attached to a child with special needs.

Common Core - what a group of private school graduates think public school kids need to learn to be ready for a college they can't afford.

competition -applying market forces to education to insure that private companies can feed at the public trough.

cut score -manipulating the proficiency level of standardized tests in order to punish children, teachers and schools.

cyber charter - an innovative school design that turns public funds into private profits and low student achievement.

education philanthropy - tax dodge for the very wealthy that allows them to advance a personal agenda over the dead body of public education.

education reformer - a curious breed of American entrepreneur who tired of abusing employees and moved on to abusing teachers and children.

grit - the kind of dogged determination required to sit through a David Coleman explanation of close reading.

market forces - applying the same principles that destroyed the American economy to schools in an attempt to destroy public education and turn a profit.

MET Study - rigorous, wide ranging study of teacher effectiveness designed, funded and promoted by Bill Gates that proves that Bill Gates can buy what he wants.

No Child Left Behind - the soft bigotry of stupid federal education policy (see also Race to the Top).

no excuses - a type of child abuse reserved for inner city minority children attending charter schools (see also on the bench).

on the bench - solitary confinement for inner city minority children in no excuses charter schools.

parent trigger - a law designed by education reform carpetbaggers to dupe well-meaning public school parents into shooting themselves in the foot.

poverty - the elephant in every urban classroom that education reformers want teachers to ignore.

Race to the Top - federal bribery scheme designed to get state departments of education to race across the Bridge to Nowhere and into the the clutches of standardized test companies.

rigor - a Common Core instructional practice designed to make students think deeply and critically about everything except the Common Core.

school choice - right of parents to make a choice of the school for their children, unless their choice is an adequately staffed, well-financed neighborhood public school.

seniority - a roadblock for education reformers on their way to providing an inferior education on the cheap.

standardized test (1) - ever growing practice of interrupting student learning in order to collect unreliable data for bubble-headed policy makers.

standardized test (2) - multiple choice test given to public school children to determine how much money their parents make.

Teach for America - way station for the young and privileged on the road from the Ivy League to Wall Street.

tenure - due process for teachers that stands in the way of replacing highly qualified professionals with cheap labor.

turnaround - what reformers want parents teachers and children to do while they shut down their neighborhood schools.

value added measures - sophisticated statistical measures that prove with 100% confidence that statistics can't be used to measure teacher quality.

vouchers - a bit of modern day alchemy that turns public education tax dollars into private corporation gold.

An Anthem for the Opt Out Movement?

Back in the sixties when I was in my folk music stage, a song by singer Ed McCurdy was making the rounds of the coffee houses. The song was called Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream and it was a powerful anti-war anthem later recorded by Simon and Gafunkel, Pete Seeger, Johnny Cash and many others. If you want to hear it you can find it here.

For some reason, I could not get the song out of my head as I sat in a plane on the tarmack of Austin-Bergstrom Airport waiting to be de-iced (scary thought) for my flight home to Philly. The tune is very memorable and I thought it might be a good basis for a rallying cry for the anti-testing OPT OUT movement. Anyway, just for fun, here it is.

Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream (with apologies to Ed MCCurdy)

Last night I had the strangest dream,

The kind Bill Gates detests.

I dreamed the world had all agreed

To throw out standardized tests.

I dreamed I saw my old classroom

And the room was filled with joy.

Because the focus was on learning

For every girl and boy.

And when test booklets were destroyed

And placed into the shredder,

Parents and their children saw

Their lives changed for the better.

Then the children in the streets below

Were dancing round and round,

While #2 pencils and answer sheets

Were scattered on the ground

Last night I had the strangest dream,

The kind Bill Gates detests.

I dreamed the world had all agreed

To throw out standardized tests

Pearson Announces the Education Reformer Starter Kit

Pearson International, bullish on the profit potential of the education reform movement, has decided to branch out beyond the development of Common Core aligned tests and curriculum materials and is now offering The Education Reformer Starter Kit, designed for those venture capitalists, Wall Street Financial Analysts, and former sports stars who wish to get into the lucrative business of privatizing public education.

Pearson spokesperson, Phillip (Flip) Emoff, said the starter kit is custom made for the aspiring entrepreneur looking for new opportunities to tap into public funds for personal profit. "The public coffers may be the last frontier for big business," said Emoff, "and our starter kit will provide all the young Ivy League grad will need to tap into that market."

The Education Reformer Starter Kit will contain the following:

• The All Occasion Reformy Phrase Book - Contains all purpose phrases designed to resonate with politicians and journalists and deflect real questions from parents and teachers. Some of the phrases include: We're in it for the kids; Work Hard, Be Nice; No Excuses; Poverty is not destiny; Zip Codes should not determine opportunity; unions protect bad teachers; and many more.
• A completed application, ready for signature, for a grant from The Gates Foundation
• A letter of recommendation from Jeb Bush and Educators for Excellence
• A lifetime membership in Chiefs for Change
• A Teaching Certificate approved by the United States Senate
• A Common Core Decoder Ring
• A DVD of David Coleman's close readings of iconic American texts
• A framed 8 by 10 glossy of Michelle Rhee suitable for hanging
• A "Get Out of School Free Card" (for use after 2 years)
• An Arne Duncan Action Figure
• A gift certificate for dance lessons with Mike Petrilli
• A "Teach Like a Champion" lapel pin
• An all purpose PARCC Standardized Test with gold plated number 2 pencil
• A Charter School co-location divining rod
• A "No Excuses" coffee mug
• A Diane Ravitch voodoo doll

Spokesperson Emoff said the kit will be in stores this spring at a list price of $99.99. Expect discounted prices at Walmart.

The House That Gates Built

When I taught in the primary grades, I loved to read aloud to children cumulative story books like There was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly, The Napping House, and The House that Jack Built. Here is a reformy version of that last title. If you want to read the original you can find it here.

The House that Gates Built

This is the house that Gates built.

This is the money that lay in the house that Gates built.

These are core standards that were bought with the money that lay in the house that Gates built.

These are the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

These are the children all forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

These are the teachers all tattered and torn

Who are judged by test scores of children forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

These are the TFAs newly shaven and shorn

Who replace the teachers all tattered and torn

Who are judged by test scores of children forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

These are the reformers smearing teachers with scorn

Who hire the TFAs newly shaven and shorn

Who replace the teachers all tattered and torn

Who are judged by test scores of children forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

This is the Secretary, apparently sworn

To defend reformers smearing teachers with scorn

Who hire TFAs newly shaven and shorn

Who replace the teachers tattered and torn

Who are judged by test scores of children forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

This is the President, champion of reform,

Who appointed the Secretary, apparently sworn        

To defend the reformers heaping teachers with scorn

Who hire the TFAs newly shaven and shorn

Who replace the teachers tattered and torn

Who are judged by test scores of children forlorn

Who take the tests standard and uniform

That measure growth on core standards

That were bought with the money

That lay in the house that Gates built.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Laugh

While there is nothing funny about the education reform movement and what it is doing to children and teachers across the country, sometimes we need to laugh so we don't cry. Here is an end of year collection of my (hopefully) humorous satires from the past year. Have a cheerful holiday.

Are America's Toddlers College and Career Ready
http://russonreading.blogspot.com/2013/09/are-americas-toddlers-college-and.html

The Seven Blind Mice of Education Reform
http://russonreading.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-seven-blind-mice-of-education.html

A Modest Proposal on Vouchers
http://russonreading.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-modest-proposal-how-about-real-estate.html

Holiday Carols for Education Reformers
http://russonreading.blogspot.com/2013/12/caroling-with-education-reformers.html

The VAM Moose is coming!
http://russonreading.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-vam-moose-coming-to-school-near-you.html

Caroling with Education Reformers

For those teacher holiday parties, perhaps some reformy holiday carols to lighten the mood.

Deck the Halls

Deck the halls with tons of data

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Test scores will decide your fate-a

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don we now our scarlet letter

Fa la la, la la  la, la, la, la

Trolls think this will make us better

Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the Common Core before us

Fa la la la la, la, la, la, la

Crafted by those who ignore us

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

Follow them, they’ll up the rigor

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

While poverty keeps growing bigger

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

Fast away the school year passes

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

With tests that knock kids on their asses

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

Sing we now of standard measures

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

That rob schools of their lasting pleasures

Fa la la la la, la, la, la ,la

The Twelve Days of Ed Reform

On the first day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

A VAM accountability grade.

On the second day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the third day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the fourth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the fifth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the sixth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the seventh day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

7 trolls a-squaking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the eighth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

8 online charters bilking

7 trolls a-squawking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the ninth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

9 Broadies dancing

8 online charters bilking

7 trolls a-squawking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the tenth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

10 Common Core Standards

9 Broadies dancing

8 online charters bilking

7 trolls a-squawking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade.

On the eleventh day of Ed reform that Bill Gates gave to me

11 TFAs a-leaving

10 Common Core Standards

9 Broadies dancing

8 online charters bilking

7 trolls a-squawking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade

On the twelfth day of Ed reform that Bill Gates  gave to me

12 weeks of test prep

11 TFAs a-leaving

10 Common Core Standards

9 Broadies dancing

8 online charters bilking

7 trolls a-squawking

6 kids a-crying

5 Michelle Rhees

4 school vouchers

3 charter schools

2 data walls

And a VAM accountability grade

Woe to the World

Woe to the world, PISA Day has come

Let’s all receive the news.

And Arne starts the spin.

And Arne starts the spin.

And Arne and Arrrrr-ne starts the spin.

Now every reformer says with a tear

"The end is coming near!

You see we can’t compete.

You see we can’t compete.

You see, you seee-ee, we can’t compete.”

We rule the world with free market tools

And soon we’ll rule public schools.

“Our goal’s to privatize.

Our goal’s to privatize.

Our goal, our gooo-al’s to privatize!”

I Saw Arne Kissing Eli Broad

I saw Arne kissing Eli Broad

While plotting how to close more schools last night.

“With my many, many millions

We’ll train more of Broady’s minions

To close all the ‘failing’ public schools

Before they can catch on, those fools.”

Then I saw Arne tickle Johnny King

As they marveled how suburban moms could fight.

“Those mom’s got mighty sore

When we force fed the Common Core

And now they just don’t seem to want

To listen to me anymore.”

Yes, I saw Arne kissing Eli Broad,

And now I hope that they both might get caught.

Cause what a laugh it would have been,

If Barry had only seen

Arne kissing Eli Broad last night.

Here's hoping you all have a happy, healthy and test free holiday.

The Seven Blind Mice of Education Reform: A Field Guide

Perhaps you know the ancient parable from the Indian subcontinent, The Blind Men and the Elephant. The story has been told and adapted many times. If you don’t know it you can find a video adaptation here. In a picture book retelling of the story, Ed Young, the Caldecott Medal winning author, recasts the men as mice for The Seven Blind Mice. If you don’t know that story you can find it read aloud here.

The story is the tale of blind men (or mice) who upon encountering an elephant disagree as to what the creature might be based on their own limited experience gained from touching one part of the mysterious creature. In the mousey version, a seventh hero mouse runs all over the whole creature and determines what it truly is – an elephant.

I got to thinking; lots of people are telling educators today what they should be doing. They have identified the problem with their narrow vision and they are ready to tell us how to fix it. To me they are like the blind mice of the tale above, looking at one part of the whole and claiming understanding.  And so I present a new tale intended as a field guide for those who may be invaded by these vermin. I identify each species by its Latin name. A description is followed by recommended reading for further understanding of the type.

Education Reforming Mice, A Field Guide

1. No Excusem Charterus – easily identifiable for his mating call “KIPP, KIPP.” Known to favor harsh climates. Responds only to rigid, ritualistic behavior commands. When one member of this group fails to follow rituals, s/he is shunned by the group and placed in exile in a land called Onthebench. Known to push disruptive or special needs members of the species out of the nest.

            Recommended reading: “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson.

2. Commonus Corpus Colemanus – A close examination of the Colemanus shows a species that was

kicked out of the nest at an early age. Still compensating for early childhood disappointments. Seeks to make sure that all young mice have a similarly joyless youth through slavish adherence to narrowed learning experiences and numerous yearly standardized mazes to run through. When young mice complain of mistreatment replies harshly, “Nobody gives a s**t how you feel.”

            Recommended reading: Are You My Mother?, by P.D. Eastman

3. Scabus for Americanus (SFA) – Bright and enthusiastic, the Scabus for Americanus will dive into the most difficult project with minimal training. Often found inhabiting ivy covered walls. Willing to invade the turf of more experienced members of the species for a warm nest and a small cheese allowance. Known to abandon their habitat after a short tenure for more cozy confines in the hedge or on the ladder.

            Recommended Reading: Teach for Us, Gary Rubinstein's blog

4. Tyranus Rheemus – mutant strain of Scabus for Americanus, this species has over developed ego

and underdeveloped empathic response. Known to sprinkle every communication with trademark call, “I…I…I….” Favors public humiliation of underlings, but abandons post at first signs of distress. Silences critics with masking tape. Approach with caution.

            Recommended Reading – The Prince, Maciavelli

5. Secretarius Duncanus – tallest of the species. Athletic with striking gray coat, but a clumsy communicator. Often seen foraging in public with his foot in his mouth. When cornered will blame any convenient target. Unwelcome in suburban homes and at tea parties. Always ready for a game, he is known to offer bribes to get others to play ball.

            Recommended Reading: The Peter Principle, Lawrence Peter

                                   

6. Plutochrus Uberallus – enjoys sticking his nose in areas where he has no expertise. Uses obscene riches

to unduly influence other education reform mice and political mice. Likes to talk about accountability, but accepts none for own actions. Talks about the need for “churn” in the teaching profession. When asked what will happen with teacher mice who lose their jobs says, “Let’m eat cheese.”

            Recommended Reading: Plutocrats at Work, Joanne Barkan

7. Ravitchus Heroicus – The hero of the story. Uses deep understanding of educational issues to see the

whole picture. Battles back at reform mice with books and blogs. Recognizes that ill-advised educational policies cannot overcome the poverty that many mice face daily. Champions teachers, while calling for improvements in curriculum and instruction. Borrows her battle cry from another famous mouse, “Here I come to save the day!”

            Recommended Reading: Reign of Error, by Diane Ravitch

The VAM Moose: Coming to a School Near You

Concerned with the negative publicity surrounding the use of Value Added Models (VAMs)* for teacher evaluation, the Grates Foundation, the Foundation for Excess in Education, RheeFirst and other proponents of such models have decided to take a new approach to promoting the controversial mathematical model. “People are having difficulty grasping the complicated statistical formulas,” said spokesperson Eric “Fuzzy” Numbers. “We needed to come up with an entertaining way to promote the program. We were sitting around crunching incomprehensible data one day, and we hit on the idea of a mascot. We were thinking along the lines of Smokey the Bear or the San Diego Chicken. And so, VAM Moose was born. I think we have really hit the jackpot with this one. At first we were going with a ferret, but decided the moose was cuddlier. His motto is, “Raise those test scores or VAM Moose!" Catchy, huh?

The VAM Moose and his motto will be featured in public service announcements, billboards and internet pop-ups promoting value added assessment of teacher performance. Asked about the long series of reports from respected organizations like ETS, the Educational Policy Institute and the Rand Corporation calling into question the use of VAMs for any high stakes decisions, Mr. Numbers said, “That’s why we need the moose. We need to turn around the conversation and facts won’t help us. Nothing like a soft and cuddly mascot to sell a flawed product. Look what Tony the Tiger did for Frosted Flakes.”

In a related story, Walmart has announced it is launching a line of stuffed talking VAM Moose dolls to go on sale in time for the Christmas season. The cute and cuddly item, manufactured in Guatemala, will have a pull string that when activated has the moose say, “No excuses! No excuses!”

* For the uninitiated, VAMs are statistical models that use student scores on standardized tests to mis-measure teacher effectiveness. They have been very popular with education reformy types. For a fuller, and more sober analysis of this flawed tool please see the following.

http://dianeravitch.net/2013/10/01/why-vam-is-a-sham/

Are America's Toddlers College and Career Ready?

In a move that surprises very few in the education field, the Partnership for the Assessment of Readiness for College and Career (PARCC) has decided to develop a college and career readiness test for toddlers. To be called the Toddler Intelligence Test (TIT), the development of the TIT is being overseen by a division of PARCC, the Toddler Assessment Team (TAT). A group of entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, hedge fund managers and former tennis stars has been assembled to develop TIT for TAT.

A spokesperson for PARCC, Phil N. Blanks, said in a statement that the company is already well on its way to having standardized tests available for kindergarten and pre-school children, so the toddler test was the next logical area to target. “It’s never too early to develop college and career skills and we at PARCC will leave no child behind when it comes to being tested every year.” When asked why no early childhood education specialists or child psychologists were on the development team, Blanks noted that PARCC had found such experts were overly concerned with the negative impact of so much testing at such a young age. “These people just were not team players; they kept asking questions instead of developing questions.”

When asked what would be on the test, Blanks pointed to key areas of toddler knowledge necessary for college and career readiness. These include toilet training, large motor skill function (the specially designed answer sheet will have larger than usual circles to fill in), keyboarding, binary computer code and, of course, close reading of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

Unable to determine how to measure toilet training proficiency on an answer sheet, the developers decided to make this a performance test. When finding volunteers to proctor this part of the test proved difficult, the entire test development was in danger. Luckily, according to Blanks, a group of eager young college graduates stepped in to fill the void. These students, known as Toilet Trainers for America (TTFA), received five weeks of toilet training over the summer, so they could effectively monitor the exam.

Buoyed by the success of the development of the TIT, PARCC has begun preliminary investigation into in utero college and career readiness testing.

A Modest Proposal: How About Real Estate Vouchers?

Education reform types like to say that no child’s educational opportunity should be determined by zip code. Who could not agree with that? That is why I am surprised that the reformy solutions to so-called “failing schools” do nothing to change a child’s zip code. Maybe that is why voucher programs and charter schools have not been successful. You can bend the rules all you want to try to make charter schools successful, but the evidence shows that charter schools in general do no better than the public schools in educating children and some do much worse. You see, the zip code for the children doesn't change.

Vouchers haven’t worked either. I am not sure why we are surprised. Giving a poor family 2 – 5 thousand dollars in a voucher is not going to allow them to find the extra 5K they need to send the child to parochial school, let alone the extra 20 or 30K they would need to send a child to a private school. Vouchers probably would help middle class families defray the cost of sending their children  to a school of their choice, say one with fewer children of color or one that teaches creationism. Perhaps that is why they are so popular among some politicians. But for poor children, the zip code remains the same.

So I would like to put forward a modest proposal for educational reform. Provide poor families in urban areas where the schools are struggling with real estate vouchers. Real estate vouchers would allow these families to move to a new zip code, a zip code with a high performing public school district.

This is really quite simple actually, because despite what the reform types would like us to believe, there is no shortage of very high performing school districts within a fifteen minute drive of most urban areas in the country. Just for example let us take the capital city of that reformy governor, Chris Christie. Trenton, New Jersey’s school district has suffered from years of financial neglect and mismanagement and of course the flight of the monied class to the suburbs. It is a district with many problems, but only a few miles outside Trenton’s borders are at least 6 high performing districts. Districts where the vast majority of the students graduate from high school,  excel at the standardized tests, get into the best colleges and have all the opportunities that it is this country’s contract with our children to provide.

So what we do for parents who would like their children to attend one of these glorious public institutions is provide them with a voucher that allows them to move into these townships with excellent schools. Fortunately, in many of these areas there are McMansions standing empty due to foreclosures in the last few years, so lots of housing is available, and I am sure that the banks and financial institutions would be happy to work with the education reformers to make it possible for these folks to move to these areas. After all the financial sector was responsible for much of the downturn in the economy, so they are surely ready to do something for society at this point.

Let me be clear, these real estate vouchers would be private vouchers. If we took the money from the public school coffers they could never afford to continue providing the excellent education they are already providing. The private sector could use all the monies in their war chests that they currently use for failed experiments like charters and vouchers to underwrite the program. I am sure Teach for America could pitch in a few hundred million from their rich endowment. There is no telling what the Broad and Gates Foundations could contribute. Why just the money that could be redirected from state and national lobbying campaigns could surely provide real estate vouchers for thousands of children.

Of course there may be a downside here for the reformers. If enough inner city folks take advantage of the real estate vouchers, there may be a shortage of housing in the suburbs. The solution though is clear. With the inner city emptying out, the wealthy could move in and gentrify the urban areas. With this influx of the monied class into the city, I bet after a decade or two even the public schools in urban areas would improve; new, clean and safe buildings would be built; the best teachers would be found and children would be receiving a first class education despite the zip code.